Moving On

My apologies for the months it has been since I last posted, but a lot has happened. I have received and accepted a job offer in Japan. Classes have ended with a strange lack of finality on my undergraduate career. Finals and final papers are finished and done. Residents are moving out with a strange flurry of hurry up and wait mentalities. But for all my love of Purdue's campus during senior week and the lack of there being anyone to interrupt the beautiful weather and absolute nothingness of stuff to do, I am very sad to see my residents move out. My friend, Lauren, always says I'm a mother hen type, and that I don't deny. I just wasn't as aware that I was so attached to my girls. I suppose that says it all. Referring to them as my 'girls' as opposed to 'residents.' But attachment is what I do best, for better or worse.

A friend called me yesterday and amidst the dinner plans and finals griping, he ask if I was excited to be moving. And honestly, I can't say I'm looking forward with complete abandon and excitement. I keep looking back and holding on to certain things. Friends. A boy. Residents. Jobs. Family. Not in that particular order, but I am starting to feel what one of my professor called the human reaction to change, transitions. I am feeling the vulnerability and fear of change and the finality of it all. I want nights of cuddling and kissing and movies lasting until one am when we pass out in each others arms without consequences of things the next morning. I want to be able to call a mental health day because I still have two excuse free skips in all my classes that day. I still want to be a college student. But I'm realizing that while I want to remain in college forever, I am ready to grow up.

Residence halls are great. Don't get me wrong. Heck, I'm planning on coming back for a masters in student affairs (when I do get back). But I can't wait to move into my own apartment. I can't wait to cook my own food and be an adult (in some ways). There are so many exciting things of being a gown up that I look forward to. Although doing so in a foreign country is a bit daunting.

The last point I want to make is about my attachment 'problem.' I know people think it's silly and I'm crazy for telling someone I like them three weeks before he leaves and four weeks before I graduate, but although I knew from the start I'd be more emotionally attached than the situation should allow, I went for it. And let me say, bravery isn't my thing. Not really. Not emotionally. To tell him - to let someone else tell him even, was a large leap for me. But I've learned you only live once. And I believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Especially when you realize you like someone enough that when they embarrass you in front of your friends you still like them. Life is way too short to be taken seriously. People who do end up being boring and ____phobic to an unhealthy degree.

And while I might be overly-attached and invested in a relationship that hardly exists and may cry like a baby when my friends leave, I have at least fulfilled my fantasy of making out with him in the elevator.